HELP !!

Ugh, I realize how hard the holidays are when you aren't working very much. I mean there are a lot of people who have it worse off then me. I want to work so bad. I have been applying everywhere !! Times are hard for me right now. Maybe 2009 will be a better year. Don't get me wrong parts of 08' were great, but my main issue is being semi-jobless.

The Christmas tree is up and so far Jayden hasn't tried pulling it down. He will walk up and point at it, but thats about it !! I was so worried he was going to try to mess with it. I can't wait for him to open the presents I got him. One of the things I got him was a little drum set because he is always trying to play on my Rockband drums and that game is definitely not suited for him. I can't wait to see how he reacts when he gets to play with it. He loved his other drum so I am sure he will love it. Hopefully he doesn't drive me toooo crazy !!

I think this weekend I am going to take him up to the mall to get his picture done with Santa. I am kind of worried about how he is going to react to him. Last year he slept through the whole thing but this year, well all I am hoping for is that he doesn't freak out !!

1:07 am, I am crazy..

I really should be in bed. I swear lately I have been getting NO sleep what so ever !! I hate it. I lay in bed and toss and turn and a ton of stuff runs through my head. Things I need to do the following day, things that are bothering me, LOTS of things.

Thanksgiving was overall a great day. I was kind of disappointed in Anthony that he didn't bring Bella by but what can you do. I don't think he understands anyways so I am just going to drop that whole subject with him. I mean, he will never understand how I feel, it's just not fair how close he is with my son but it seems when he gets his daughter it's not that big of a deal if I see her. It's whatever though. Like I said he will never get it.

Having family over today was fun. I swear we took so many pictures !! You can never have enough pictures though. Especially with how fast Jayden is growing. It makes me sad at times. He already has 10 teeth, he is RUNNING all over, and over all acts a lot older than he is. He is trying so hard to talk, he babbles a lot, says ball, mom, hey, bye, stinky, more, and sometimes he will say other things too. Gosh, I love that little boy soooooo much.

Well I gotta get a little sleep before Black Friday shopping !! We are leaving at 3:30am, so um.. GOODNIGHT !!

You have got to be kidding me...

So at this point I guess I am allowed back home but still kicked out at the same time ?? Does that even make sense ?? Mom couldn't call me, she had to text me and tell me that once I apologize to her she will allow me to live there UNTIL I can find some where to move to. Like I don't have a problem with her kicking me out at all. My main problem is that she is kicking me AND my 13 month old son. Like he didn't do anything but he is facing the problems I have to deal with.

This is not the first time I was kicked out by my mom. Last time she kicked me out I moved in with my dad for close to a year. Yet this time I don't have my dad to go to. I am just so stressed out right now. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely even think straight at this point !! I try to keep things together for my sons sake but its hard to hold it all back when sometimes all I want to do is break down and cry, or run away and never look back (with Jay of course).

My son is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. He is the best little boy a mother could ever ask for. He is getting a temper but he is the love of my life. He keeps me sane in this crazy life I am living !!

Does my mother really think we will be able to make it on our own right now ?? I barely work 10 hours a week right now !! I am hurting bad. I just want what is good for Jayden. I am not even concerned with myself. What little money I have goes straight to him. I will do anything for that lil boy !!

I hope things will all work out, and SOON. Until then I am not texting or calling her until she calls me and makes an effort. I know she is off running and telling everyone that I started it and that it's all my fault but realistically everyone she is talking to is only hearing her side of the story and let me tell you it is far from true !!

Slighly embarrassed...

So the more I sit and dwell on the fight with my mom I had last night the more I think about how unfair she is being. She still hasn't said anything to me yet. No text, no call, no e-mail. Nothing. I came home this morning around 9:30 to see if my cousin, Frankie, was still here. But no surprise, the house was empty when I arrived. Freddy, my other cousin, was supposed to be dropped off this morning but obviously my mom said something to them because its 11:34am and he still isn't here.

I'm just so annoyed at this point. She is ruining the holidays before they are even here. Why does she need to have such a power trip over me ?? It's like I am 23 years old and she is still trying to control everything I do.

Ugh, then to top it all off going to Anthony's house last night was, slightly embarrassing. I don't want his family to think bad of me because me and my mom got into a fight. Like I am not exactly sure what he told his family happened between us so I am not exactly sure what they think. I can only hope they can understand what is going on, and don't think badly of me. I still have a pounding headache and I have a feeling it wont be going away anytime soon.

Ugh.. Seriously ??

I just don't understand how everything could start as a joke then turn into something so serious ?? Or what ?? I am just confused and hurt, and right before Thanksgiving. So what does it mean, does it mean that I wont be spending it with my mom ?? I know I am more than welcome at my Grandma's but still I paid for almost all the food my mom is cooking on Thanksgiving with money I DIDN'T have !!

I mean I can man up and admit when I am in the wrong or when I start stuff, but this time it was all her. She started the fight, yet she wants to blame it all on me, and say I started it. It's just unfair. It was an unnecessary fight that didn't need to happen. Leading to both of us in tears, and myself getting kicked out of the house.

More or less myself and my son. She doesn't understand I have no where to go really. I mean she is kicking her grandson out of then house too, an innocent little boy that didn't even have a part in all this. It's just mind blowing !!

Hopefully things will work out so we can at least be civil towards one another. If she is really kicking me out I would still like to be able to have her in our life. I think she is just making things bigger than they really are. She is going to wake up and regret kicking us out. I hope. I guess only time will tell what really is going to happen. All I know is my head is killing me from all this stress. I mean I was already stressed enough before this and this just added to the pile of it.

Our effin' economy sucks right now !! I have been looking for a job for months now. Every place seems to be laying off people instead hiring people. What is happening to the damn US ?? Hopefully things will change. Obama says things will. We will see what he can do to fix this crap hole we are in right now !!